Please remove this man from my mind

I’ve sat with this long enough to know what it is and what it isn’t. I’m not in love with him. I don’t even like him.

And that’s not me trying to convince myself. I’ve done the reflection, the uncomfortable kind where you strip everything down to the truth and sit in it. If anything, I feel… neutral. Maybe even detached. He isn’t a bad person, he just isn’t for me. Not in the way that matters. And yet he is there. Constantly.

Not in a soft, romantic way. Not in a way that feels sweet or nostalgic. Just… present. Lingering. Like a thought that refuses to fully leave the room.

If you read my previous piece, “nothing is ever really casual”, then you know that it wasn’t a relationship. And more importantly, that was my choice. I chose the distance. I chose the boundary. I chose the version of the story that didn’t include “us.” And I’ve already mourned it. I’ve already let myself grieve the “what if.” I’ve already made peace with the path I set.

So why is he still here? Because the truth is, I don’t want him. I don’t love him. And if I’m being completely honest… I don’t even care about him like that. But he still takes up space in my mind. And that’s the part I can’t explain.

It would make more sense if there was something about him I adored. Something I could point to and say, that’s why. But there isn’t. He’s not my type, emotionally or physically. He doesn’t align with what I’m drawn to, what I value, what I see for myself. There’s no logical reason for him to be here.

And yet, he is.

Sometimes I replay moments but even that is fading. The memories aren’t vivid anymore. They don’t hold weight the way they used to. I don’t even remember how his skin feels. I don’t feel the urge to call him, or text him, or check in on his life. I don’t wonder what he’s doing or who he’s becoming. It’s like everything real about him is disappearing…except the thought of him. And that’s what makes this so frustrating.

Because how do you explain this without sounding like you’re in denial? Like you secretly want him but you’re too afraid to admit it?

I know how it sounds.

But that’s not it.

I’m not scared of liking him. I’m not scared of wanting someone. I’m not closed off to the idea of trying, of choosing someone fully, of putting myself out there.

I just don’t want him.

And still he lingers.

Not in my heart.

Not in my life.

Just… in my mind.